I bet you can remember the exact moment when you close your eyes and the next thing you know you see him smiling back at you. Hell if you think hard enough you can still smell his cologne and feel the way his arms felt around you. The remnants of his lips on yours still lingers, especially when touching your lips.
I bet you catch yourself letting out a giant sigh because you wish for a moment you could have it all back.
But you know shouldn’t… And yet, you still do.
You want to hear his voice one more time tell you your three favorite words. You want to feel his chest against your head as he gave you the biggest hug. You want to lace your fingers in his and remember how you always wondered how they could be so rough and soft at the same time. It was like they were meant to just perfectly fit with your fingers.
Of course, it doesn’t seem to take much to bring you back to these memories, to a different time, to fantasy land. Whether it is a song, a movie, someone mentioning his name, or a lapse of de-Ja-Vu.
Don’t you just hate when that happens?
Sometimes these memories start with a smile and subtly fade away. Other times, out of nowhere, it feels like a sucker punch to the gut and the wind is knocked out of you, and you just become immersed in the pain all over again.
You begin to miss the person you used to be, the person you were when you were with him. You begin to miss the feeling of safeness when everything made sense.
You miss the comfortableness and the ease of everything. You start with the “what ifs” and the “could have been’s” and they literally eat away at you.
Being angry takes a lot of energy. Moving on means accepting things are truly over. Trust me I know it is a lot easier to hold on for dear life to the happy moments, to hold onto the bliss and push out all the painful memories. You were more open to experiencing different things because you weren’t scared of losing him.
You weren’t worried about his intentions or if your heart was going to end up shattered into millions of little pieces. You just weren’t afraid of losing him. You never thought about what life would look like if there wasn’t him and you.
Then it happened.
I imagine it like one of those moments in a movie when the entire world stands still. Everything comes crashing to a halt. What was once just the making of an absolute worst nightmare, suddenly becomes your reality, and life was no longer a bunch of happy memories of “us” and “forever” but now separated into “then” and “now”, to “him” and “you”.
Life doesn’t seem fair when you willing gave your heart to someone and hoped they’d have the decency to take care of it.
Listen though, I bet if you thought long and hard you probably don’t really miss him as much as you think, perhaps really, you just miss the idea of him.
More importantly, you miss what it felt like to have your heart whole. To not have to look at all of these broken pieces and wonder what you’re supposed to do now.
You miss what you knew because if we’re being honest the unknown is scary. Starting over and learning about someone new and opening up your freshly wounded heart is petrifying.
You miss knowing someone better than you knew yourself. It seems that it was really easy to take your love for granted because you never thought there would be an expiration date on it.
You made choices and set expectations because you never pictured the end.
It’s why you shy away when there are any chances of a romantic encounter. It’s why you try to find every reason why this one won’t work out and why you shouldn’t dip your toes in the water again.
It’s why when you start to think about allowing yourself to be vulnerable you pull away.
It’s easier to get lost in the memories than accept the truth of the situation. It’s hard to come to grasp with the idea that you don’t need to remember his birthday, his favorite food, or the things he hates.
You lose the comfort in knowing someone always called you at midnight on your birthday. Someone that knew which dates were important to you and knew how to console you when you were feeling down.
If we break that down a little more he was a safety net, he was your equivalence to a childhood blanket.
He made you feel safe, and when you begin to miss his voice and his presence, perhaps it’s because you miss the things he said to make you feel better. You miss having someone there for you when the going got tough.
Memories can be great things, and it’s okay to reminiscence every once in a while, but don’t allow yourself to get stuck there, because memories have a way of stopping you from living your life and creating your future. You have to make new memories, you have to let someone else in and you have to let yourself find happiness again.
Eventually, you have to let go.
It’s no fun to think about relationships in two ways, you’ll either end up with that person for the rest of your life and they’ll start an amazing journey with you, or you’ll break up and they’ll just be a stepping stone to who you’re supposed to be with.
I’m not saying go into every relationship with that mindset because there is too much pressure into thinking about people like that but instead to just take it all in. You lost him and it hurt like hell but you will move forward and meet the right person.
It’s okay to miss someone, you gave them a portion of your heart and your life and they did the same with you. In fact, you will always carry a piece of them with you, they’ve helped shape you into the person you are. They impacted your life in some way or shape, no matter the outcome of your relationship.
Real talk though, you do have to stop bringing yourself down, you absolutely have to stop opening up wounds that are trying to heal, because if you continuously mess with them you’re never going to get better, and let me tell you something you deserve to get better.
You deserve to be HAPPY.
Let me repeat that for those in the back, you deserve every shred of HAPPINESS this world has to offer.
Yes, being vulnerable and going through heartbreak has left a scar on your heart, but let that scar do more than hinder you. Let it guide you.
Let it be a lesson and a reminder that you are stronger than you believe and that you are capable of being loved and loving someone in return.
Take a moment to remember it all for what it’s worth but then, let it go. Break out of that fantasy land that everything is going back to how it was and start looking forward to tomorrow’s opportunities.
Because tomorrow could be the best day of your life if you let it. Tomorrow could be the start of a new journey. A journey that could lead to amazing things but first you have to pull your head out of the clouds, plant your feet on the ground, and start living your best life.
You deserve it.
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