I bet you can remember the exact moment when you close your eyes and the next thing you know you see him smiling back at you. Hell if you think hard enough you can still smell his cologne and feel the way his arms felt around you. The remnants of his lips on yours still lingers, especially when touching your lips.
I bet you catch yourself letting out a giant sigh because you wish for a moment you could have it all back.
But you know shouldn’t… And yet, you still do.
You want to hear his voice one more time tell you your three favorite words. You want to feel his chest against your head as he gave you the biggest hug. You want to lace your fingers in his and remember how you always wondered how they could be so rough and soft at the same time. It was like they were meant to just perfectly fit with your fingers.
Of course, it doesn’t seem to take much to bring you back to these memories, to a different time, to fantasy land. Whether it is a song, a movie, someone mentioning his name, or a lapse of de-Ja-Vu.
Don’t you just hate when that happens?
Sometimes these memories start with a smile and subtly fade away. Other times, out of nowhere, it feels like a sucker punch to the gut and the wind is knocked out of you, and you just become immersed in the pain all over again.
You begin to miss the person you used to be, the person you were when you were with him. You begin to miss the feeling of safeness when everything made sense.
You miss the comfortableness and the ease of everything. You start with the “what ifs” and the “could have been’s” and they literally eat away at you.
Being angry takes a lot of energy. Moving on means accepting things are truly over. Trust me I know it is a lot easier to hold on for dear life to the happy moments, to hold onto the bliss and push out all the painful memories. You were more open to experiencing different things because you weren’t scared of losing him.